Practical: mindful of the results

Wouldn't it be nice to dance through life never thinking of the inevitables of the day to day. To live in a world full of waterlillies, butterflies and rainbows. Where all love is perfect and everything clicks into place without a thought or intention. That it all just happens.

I don't live there, nor do I wish to.

I read a comment on a blog that got me thinking a thousand things so I'll try to be as coherent as possible.

The search for that special someone isn't as simple as dreaming them up. It isn't a picture perfect person for each of us. We need to be practical in asking ourselves questions like; what do I want? What can I accept? Does he/she need a certain sense of humour? Do they have to have an education? There are millions of criteria, either apparent or silent that go into choosing a mate. Magical love isn't the only one. It is a necessary process to think through a possible relationship before getting into it. It is necessary to decline one based on your deal breakers too. It's a sign of maturity and knowing that love alone is not enough.

Practical doesn't mean getting away from romance. It's knowing that you know yourself enough to make the best decision for you and your heart.

Makes me giggle

1 missed call

Why is she calling? Is she ok? Did something happen with so-and-so? Did they talk about it? Will it work out? Is it over? Is it blissful? Is it happening? Did plans change? Are you coming with me tomorrow? It's ok if you're not. It's going to be just him and I anyway, everyone else cancelled. I won't need a buffer. We'll be great. I got a raise. You did too. I inspired someone today and I didn't even say a word. I have plans.

I had all these things to say and I missed her call. Purpose of this rant that makes no sense to any of you - this is a snapshot of what goes on in my brain when I see someone has called and I've missed them. I think of all the things I want to tell them then don't end up speaking to them at all. My friends wouldn't likely appreciate a four minute one-sided conversation message so I leave it at "Hey, it's me, call me back. Bye." Meanwhile, between the Hey and Bye are a few questions, some statements, but always, always an "I love you friend." I just realized as I was writing that sentence that THAT right there is the purpose of this post. I know I don't tell you I love you as often as I could so there it is. To those of you who know it, take it. To those who are new here, I have some for you too.

Wow, total mush... I know. It happens. Shan, remember the Purolator woman? Yeah.

Canada Day... plus a hundred and some odd days.

I love love love love this picture!!! Shan, you are stunning.

From left to right: Kim, Tamara, Me, Booger (behind the pole), Shannon, Meesh (in white cap), Sharon and Gary. Good times, good fun, AMAZING friends!

Ex Files

I finally developed two rolls of film that I had been too lazy to take in. Knowing some of my pictures would be from the fabulous vacation I took this year and one ex. I was anxious for the former... in the sentence, not lover. So excitedly I get back to my car, rip open the envelope and there is the summer-fling-ex, right on top. Of the pile. Sighing, I shift past those of him curled up on my couch attempting to look sexy and irresistible.

I flip to pictures of our Canada Day party at Shannon's - which I'm attempting to post with no luck. All smiling faces we're drinking and having an amazing party. I giggle remembering what Booger said to me as he poured shots all over the counter and how he almost set the curtains on fire then BAM!... a snapshot of me and the Big Ex. There we are in, I have to say, one of the best pictures of us ever taken. I felt sick. Instead of sinking into it I dialed the only person I knew who would understand. I love that she answered. Despite it being more than six months since the Big Breakup she listened and empathized. "I know exactly how that feels" were the perfect string of words I needed to hear.

Every now and again the universe throws something at me, almost as if to say "Are you ready for this?" (who here is humming that 80's dance track?). Sigh. I wasn't ready to see him and he has occupied some of my thoughts of the last 36 hours, though mostly focusing on the reasons we aren't together. Far too many times I would pine over what could have been. This time it wasn't, and I know that now.

Thanks ICS delivery guy!

You ever have those days where you've thrown your hair up in a clip too lazy to blow dry? You have thrown on clothes that are too early in the wardrobe rotation because you're too tired to iron? Then you schlep your way into the office feeling not too rested but just ok?

Today is one of those for me except getting into the elevator the ICS delivery guy said such a wonderful thing to me and it made my day. Ever since then I have been walking on cloud nine.

How great is it that when people say genuinely kind things, or give us a little smile that it could change the whole outlook of our day. I wonder how my day would have turned out if someone had flipped me the mighty bird on the way in. See what a difference a word makes!

Share a smile people... telling someone they have a natural beauty works too.

From the archives.... edited and still relevant

Turning thirty was a shock. Not in the way you might think… it was as if someone turned on a light switch and suddenly everything was clear, everything made perfect sense. Well, almost everything. I am going to die. We all are and it is my mortality and that of those around me that I am most concerned with. This life is our only chance to make anything of ourselves, to have a life as full as possible. Full, like most other things, is relative. For some, working at a corner store, making enough just to have food on the table and perhaps go out on a Friday night to play bingo is full. Not for me. I crave, and for the most part have, a life full of passion, fulfillment and purpose. I try to do as much good as possible but really – how is selling advertising fulfilling my purpose? I suppose I’m as afraid of life as I am of death. I wish I could freeze frame all the great moments or hit pause while I’m trying to make a decision so I don’t lose a moment of it.

I’m afraid of wasting time. I’m afraid of investing so much and it not being enough. I'm afraid of not knowing my direction. I’m afraid of having my heart broken again. Feeling a hurt that you can never put into words but is soo tangible you swear you could take a bite out of it.

The more I live the more I die and that fact is one that I have spent hours pondering and have shed tears over. It’s so short. I know the true living moments are in those frames when you’re making key choices, it’s all a journey, one day at a time, blah blah blah… I get it. I really do but in my heart I’m petrified. Right now I’m in the midst of growth that breaks me and enlightens me all at the same time. Maybe I’m not really afraid of life – just life right now.

A full week of me-date

For the last few months I have been consumed with the idea of going on vacation alone. I thought Prague, maybe Asia, perhaps even Iceland but I could never make the decision enough to sit and plan it out. I guess it didn't feel right.

If I go to the Czech Republic, Thailand or Iceland I want to share it with someone. The experience, the memories, and frankly, the hotel bill. It's expensive if you're traveling and don't want to sleep in a hostels small room with 11 other people. I wouldn't get any sleep thinking buddy beside me was rummaging through my back pack looking for floss or tube socks. See, I want to hold hands on the Charles Bridge, kiss in a hot spring in Reykjavik and rent a two-man scooter and dodge the rickshaw drivers in Chiang Mai.

When I go away alone I'm going to an all-inclusive. I know, I know, I always said I hated those places blabbering that they were a waste of time and money. That was before I knew that silence and serenity were actually good for me. Besides, they have day trips in Antigua, Punta Cana, the Mayan Riviera to see and explore! Some places have 16th century villages, others have Mayan ruins dating from 250 - 900 ad. I don't know which one I'll choose yet but I think a last minute deal in March sounds like a recipe for bliss.

Imagine it, the very last minute I book time off and hop a plane to who-knows-where. And so I wait. Weeeee.......

Push vs. pull...

As children we were all told 'no, you can't have that' at one time or another. If you grew up in my house it was a clear sign that the object was desirable and worth crawling through tiny Lego pieces on your knees for. Yeah, I had three brothers.

Things that repel me, things that hurt, things and people that push me away, general unavailability continue to be attractive qualities... until now. I figure I've done that long enough. Right in front of me I have something really good pulling me in... and I'm letting it.